Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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