I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize