i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Boobs are out for the taking
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
