Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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