i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
