Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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