I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize