I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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