Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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