I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Your cock deserves a montage
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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