Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Found the puke drawer
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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