At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
