i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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