Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
