I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
