I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
