I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
