I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
