make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
