when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
