Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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