A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
