I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
