what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
