at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
