hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
