I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
