DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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