Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
