oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
