I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
