i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize