final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
