How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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