I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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