You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
