Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
