I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
