yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
