1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
