Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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