i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize