I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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