Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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