My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
