Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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