I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
