Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
