Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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