YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He better not be in your backpack
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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