the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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