im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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