I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
