In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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