just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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