where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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