If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Everything about him screamed your future.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
