I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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