There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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