hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
