I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
