I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
