Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
