Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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