i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
